I'm Still Needed

So, sometimes I feel that my role as mother is not as important as it used to be.  Most of my kids are grown and out of the house; my youngest is in high school.  I remember how hard it was for me when my kids were little - feeling like I was always on call, 24 hours a day, not a minute to myself.  I remember thinking that I would never have my life back, I would always be at the beck and call of children.  Well, years have passed and now I think that I'm not needed as much anymore.  I have reveled in my ability to think of myself sometimes, instead of always thinking of what was best for my children.  I have enjoyed going back to work and back to school, being able to pursue my own interests, at least part of the time.  Boys in particular don't seem to need their mom as much once they get older.  They grow up, graduate from high school, go off to college, and start a new life - at least that's what my boy did.  Until I was needed, anyway. 

Knee blown out, doctor visits, surgery scheduled, sister there to help . . . I'm three states away now, so things were getting taken care of without me.  A week later - text says "I'm not doing so well" - phone call - "Pain... not sleeping at night... a week behind at school... missed tests and labs... crutches for six weeks... can't get to school-work-doctor...can't concentrate... sister busy with her own work and life."  Hang up and check prices of airline flights - "Wow, that's actually reasonable!" - buy a ticket for the next day to stay for a week - make arrangements with work and school - pack.

I never would have thought, way back when, that I would be so excited that I'm still needed!

Why Can't I Decide?

I've known for two and a half years now that I was going to have to write a dissertation someday.  In all the classes that I have taken I have read research on many topics and would wonder "Could I write a dissertation on that topic?"  I can't even count the number of ideas that I have had over the years - adolescent motivation to read, reading recovery, how policies affects classroom teaching, how policies constrain teachers, complex adaptive systems and classrooms, writing workshop, professional development - the list goes on and on.  My interests have varied depending on the reading I was doing for class and how that reading connected with my experiences as a teacher and a learner. 

Since I've also been working as a Graduate Research Assistant for most of that time, I have been mentored in many aspects of research and writing, as well as things like working on a grant, organizing a regional conference, faciliting research with outside evaluators, etc.  Every time I learn something new, I think "How could I turn that into a dissertation topic?"

Every time I go to a conference I sit in sessions about various topics and think to myself "How could I do research on that topic?"  Could I do a dissertation that was more practitioner oriented?  Could I do a theoretical dissertation on complexity and literacy?  Could I do a review of research dissertation on writing workshop?  Could I do a case study of a writing classroom?  Could I do a dissertation on a professional development model?  Could I do a dissertation on policies and their unintended consequences?  Could I do a historical dissertation on the work of Marie Clay?  Could I do an ethnography of a classroom looking for reading writing connections?

I've read books on how to write research proposals, how to do qualitative research, how to do quantitative research, how to write a literature review, how to write an education dissertation, etc. I've had conversations with other doctoral students about dissertation topics.  I've met with professors about potential dissertation topics.  I've gathered and read research on many different topics just to see if I was interested enough to consider it as a dissertation topic.  I've written a literature review on professional development and a research proposal on a case study of a classroom using writing workshop.  I've gathered data on informational text and read about that topic as a potential dissertation topic.

I've been all over the place . . .

Why can't I decide?

Crazy Guy

I was just listening to the radio on the way over to my first writing retreat.  It’s a Sunday morning in Texas.  Blue skies, no one on the road because most people are still in bed.  On the radio I hear the Eli Young Band, a local Denton band that had a number one song a while ago, singing “Crazy Girl”.  The lyrics go:

Crazy girl, you know that I love you

I wouldn’t dream of going nowhere

Silly woman, come here let me hold you.

Have I told you lately?

I love you like crazy girl

This song just made me think about my husband, John.  We have been married for 29 years.  Our next anniversary will be the big 3 0.  I have kids in college right now, so sometimes my memories from way back then are brought back because of experiences that they are having that are similar.  This song took me back over the last 30 years with John.  People lately have been telling me how lucky I am to have such a nice husband, and I sooo agree.  He’s the best.  We have had our ups and downs over the years and our periods of time when things were just okay.  But both of us made a commitment when we were sealed in the temple that we were committed to this relationship for life and for eternity.  Because of that firm foundation and solid commitment, we have been able to weather many very difficult storms over the years; the death of a child, changing jobs, bad business decisions, loss of parents, health problems, moving,  etc.   I’m sure that we are not through with those types of challenges as we both probably have 25+ years to live on this earth (hopefully), but the knowledge that we have pulled through the difficulties that we have in the past just makes me more sure that we are going to make it no matter what. 

Listening to that song this morning, driving down the road on a beautiful Texas morning, made me cry.  Tears rolled down my face in appreciation of the life that I have.  No matter what happens in my current professional life, in our family relationships, or in the parts we play in the various aspects of our lives, I know that I have him and that he supports me 100%. 

People say that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I have seen things in him the last 2 years since I started the doctoral program that I haven’t seen before.  He has gladly taken on many new things these last two years to help me out - to help out the family. He has begun to think about meals.  He goes to the grocery store and buys what he needs, thinks almost nightly about what to fix for dinner for himself and for our family, and often has something cooked and waiting for me when I get home from work.  Wow, what a role reversal!  I never asked him to do these things – he just saw a need and took it upon himself to fulfill that need.  He planted a garden this year.  He thought about what he wanted, bought the plants, put them in, watered them, weeded around them, cared for them, worried about them.  We’ve had many gardens over the years, but this is the first time he took on that role of gardener.  He also has taken on the job of trimming the roses and the bushes in the flower beds in the front of the house.  This is the man that, when we got married, said he would be happy if he never had grass or a yard, because he didn’t really want them.  Mowing and yard work were not a part of his vocabulary, yet this past year he has faithfully trimmed every few weeks, planted herbs,  and takes cuttings off the neighbors roses and trees to try to get them to take root! 

Where did this man come from?  I don’t recognize him, but I sure love him!  This last year I needed to work later in the afternoon and he gladly took on the role of chauffer Dad.  He faithfully picked Courtney up from school each day and took an interest in her and in her life.  I picked her up from Seminary in the morning and got her to school, and he took care of her until I got home, which has always been my job.  He realized there was a need and gladly filled in.  When I get overwhelmed with the work that I’m doing and am stressed out, he is always there with kind words of encouragement, making me feel like I can do anything.  I feel his support in all kinds of ways.  I feel that what I’m doing is of value, and that he believes in me totally.  He is always making positive comments about how people should hire me because I'm so this, and so that, . . . .

So this is just recognition to John.  I love you like crazy!  I wouldn’t dream of going nowhere.  Silly guy, come here let me hold you.  Have I told you lately? I love you like crazy!

How I Appreciate My Friends

Quitting teaching two years ago was a big step for me.  Entering the doctoral progrm at TWU has been quite the journey.  It's hard to remember how hard that first semester was, but I'm so excited to be done with my coursework.  This week I finish my very last class and begin studying for my qualifying exams this fall.  I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of those doctoral students and professors that have contributed to these challenging yet rewarding two years.  I couldn't have done it without all of their help.  John and the kids have also been great about understanding that there are times when I've got to do homework or write a paper.  They give me my space, make dinner for me, and pick up chores around the house so that I can focus on school.  I never would have been able to do it without them either.  I am hoping to slow down a little bit this fall because I've only got the independent study class designed to help me pass the qualifying exam.  I look forward to working with Dr. Briggs.  She's solid.  I've met so many wonderful students and been able to learn so much with them.  Many opportunities have been placed in my path, and I've enjoyed learning from each one of them.  It's not over, but I feel I am at least close to that first major hurdle.  I look forward to studying with Kathy, Jen, and Joli this fall.  We can do it ladies!

My Favorite Class Ever!

So I just completed a class on Writing Workshop this June.  It was 15 afternoons during the month, and was a joy to attend each day.  I was introduced to writers' workshop my first year of teaching and loved teaching with this concept when I was in the classroom.  When I heard that there was a National Writing Project site in this area, I was so excited to participate.  This summer was not a traditional Summer Institute because of funding cuts this past year, but it was still everything that I knew it would be.  We had a wonderful group of students that created a writing community very quickly.  We learned more each day about being writers and being teachers of writing.  Here is one of the pieces that I wrote during this class.  These are memories from a long time ago, so I'm not sure some of the details are accurate, but it's what I remember.  I still might work on it a bit, but here is what I've got so far.

One Idyllic Afternoon
By Marla Robertson

Cannon Beach, Oregon - Photo taken by Amber Robertson 2010

I remember going to the lush, green Oregon Coast for the first time.  My family was living in Big D, land of Southfork Ranch, high-rise skyscrapers, and a million people.  From that crowded hot place, we loaded up our three small children and flew up to Portland to see Grandma and Grandpa Robertson, my husband’s parents.  We had made this trip many times before.  John worked for American Airlines so we could fly pretty cheap, but it was still a hectic four hour flight with three children, two toddlers and a baby – a challenge in any circumstance.  Most of the time we just stayed at Grandma’s house and visited and visited and visited; sometimes going to a different relatives’ house to visit and visit and visit.  But for this trip – Aunt Kathy had decided that we needed to see her favorite spot on the coast – Cannon Beach.  We loaded up the car and set out for a day trip through the Coast Range, headed for Cannon Beach, a quaint seaside town built around Haystack Rock, one of the “sites to see” in the area.  Being from Texas and this being summertime, we had not thought about packing sweatshirts.  “It can’t possibly be that cold in Oregon!  It’s 98⁰ here” we thought.  Little did we know that the Pacific Ocean at Cannon Beach ranges in the high 50’s to low 60’s at this time of year, and there is a constant steady breeze on the beach all year round, the perfect place for kite flying!  However, children are fearless, and when we got to the beach they headed for the wet sand and salty ice-cold water.

One of the fun things to do on the beach is look for shells like limpets and “china hats” and rocks like polished agates that have been washed up by the ocean.  Marcus, our oldest son, was about four or five years old and had never been to a beach before.  He just loved digging in the wet sand and building sand castles.  I even got caught up in the excitement and ended up in the freezing water looking for fingernail sized sand dollars, one of the things that could be found on this particular stretch of beach.  It was an idyllic afternoon for my small children and for me, as we were not “beach people”.  I could see why Kathy had so many wonderful childhood memories of this place.  The town was full of unique little stores, made mostly of grey weathered wood. Bruce’s Candy Kitchen was a favorite stop for the kids.  They could see the salt water taffy through the front window being pulled and wrapped by a machine and have their pick of all kinds of colorful candies.  The unique bright pink exterior could be seen for blocks amid the weathered grey. 

Cannon Beach, Oregon - Photo taken by Amber Robertson 2010

Little did we know on that day that this place would become a regular excursion for our family as we ended up moving to Oregon a couple of years later and made regular trips to Grandma and Grandpa’s family beach house.  This day trip to the beach must have piqued their interest and encouraged them to find a place to have future family gatherings at Grandma’s favorite place, the beach.  However, for our oldest son Marcus, it would turn out to be his only trip to Cannon Beach.  That idyllic afternoon would be his only chance to be buried in the sand, to splash in the chilly water, and to search for sand dollars, as he died a couple of years later of meningitis.  Through the ensuing years all of our other children have created wonderful childhood memories of family visits to Cannon Beach and the majestic Oregon Coast; playing with cousins, flying kites in the perpetual breeze, searching tide pools for starfish and colorful anemone, roasting marshmallows on the beach as the sun set on the vast Pacific Ocean, meandering the surf at low and high tide, viewing the misty coastline from the viewpoint at Ecola State Park.  But for me there was always that sense of something missing – of a gap-toothed little boy who would never have the chance to create those childhood memories of the beautiful Oregon Coast – except for that one idyllic afternoon.

Cannon Beach, Oregon - Photo taken by Amber Robertson 2010

A Year Just Flew By!

So I am taking a Writers' Workshop class this summer, and I am having the opportunity to write in my Writers' Notebook every day in class.  It has been a long time since I have taken the time to write down my thoughts.  There are always thoughts up there, but they rarely get written down or even shared with anyone.  We have also been doing an "inquiry" project and one of the things that I have been reading about is blogging.  I mentioned to a couple of the ladies in class that I have a blog.  I couldn't even remember the name of it though!  So I sat down tonight to try to find it and see how long it has been since I've written anything on it.  WOW!  It's been a whole year.  Where did the last year go?  Thinking back I realize that last summer was a bear, and life has just been non-stop since then.  School, work, church obligations, and family have been keeping me so busy that I hardly have time to breath.  Anyway, this Writers' Workshop class has been such a treat for me.  I actually get to sit there for a few hours a day and talk and learn more about something that I really have a passion for, teaching students how to write.  I even get to do it with some great fellow TWU students.  It's been a real pleasure.  Here is one of my pieces of writing.

Where I’m From

By Marla Robertson 

I am from library books,

from Bottle Caps and Chick-o-sticks.

I am from the home built by my father’s hands

(Cozy, lived-in, comfortable).

I am from plum trees,

apricot, pear, and cherry orchards –my childhood friends.

I am from large family picnics with cousins

and tent camping in the Uintahs,

From Lena Barker and C J Hansen – gone too soon.

I’m from the church on Sunday

and the be anxiously engaged,

from you can be anything and clean your plate.

I’m from knowledge brings success and fulfillment

and it’s the only thing you can take with you.

I’m from pioneer stock,

meat loaf and stroganoff.

From the valedictorian, librarian mother,

the “I’d better get educated” father,

and the tradition of Bachelors, Masters and Doctorate degrees.

I’m from temple spires,

baptisms, and sealings.

From weekly library visits, Where the Red Fern Grows,

and Run Dick, Run Jane.

I’m from cousins next door and Grandma next to them,

from Kick the Can and sledding in the back yard.

From grasshopper and honeysuckle soup,

and canning cherries and peaches with Mom.

I’m from feelings of safety,

bear hugs, and freedom.

From personal responsibility and loving stability.

I am from four books of family history, lovingly preserved.

From boxes of pictures and mementos in the closet

and frames of black and white memories on the wall.

I am from faithful, hardworking, loving ancestors.

I am a legacy of where I’m from.

I Miss My Summer! Whine, whine, whine........

So summer is here and I don't really get to have one!  Whine, whine, whine......  If most teachers are honest, one of the major reasons that they teach is so that they can have the summer off.  Not that teachers really take the summer off.  Most of them do several weeks of professional development during the summer, or take college courses, or spend the summer getting ready for the next school year, etc.  The point is that they don't have to go to work every day and if they do something, it is something of their own choosing - something related to their life pursuits, be they professional or personal.  This summer I chose to continue in my doctoral program and take 6 credit hours of coursework as well as continue with my graduate research assistant job (it is nice to at least make enough money to pay for my own tuition).  I am only about 3 weeks into the summer semester and am swamped!  Plus I am trying to make sure that Courtney doesn't spend too much time alone at home, paint the house, and unpack boxes from our move.  It doesn't really feel like summer to me.  It just seems like any other time of the year (except hotter).

One thing that is good about our new house is that it is close to the new rail trail and to a hiking trail in our community.  Courtney and I have been trying to go biking (sometimes I walk) most mornings during the week.  I forgot how fun it is to ride a bike.  If we go early enough in the morning we have shade most of the way.  The trail is pretty level with just slight inclines and declines.  The commuter train actually started running last Saturday so the train actually goes by us sometimes when we are out riding.  Hopefully one or our summer activities will be to ride the rail down to Dallas just to say we have done it!  Sounds fun to me. That reminds me that I need to sit down with Courtney and make a list of the things that we want to do this summer.  I usually do that at the beginning of the summer so that we have a plan for activities during the summer.  It's not quite the same doing it with one child, but it's still summer with the family, such as it is!  Whatever I can squeeze in between working, studying, writing papers, and preparing presentations that is!  Whine, whine, whine.........